It's becoming increasingly apparent that I have a knack for choosing the worst possible check-out lane in the grocery store. You would think that after 22 years of grocery store experience, I would have learned how to scope out the lightning scanners and master sackers. But no.

You guys know what I'm talking about. I can't be the only one that is this unfortunate, right? It's always when I'm in a hurry because DH is in the car with a crying baby, or my kids are swinging like chimpanzees on the handle of the shopping cart, or I'm late for something or I just really really really need to pee. I have debit card in one hand and the other is poised to stack my purchases on the conveyor belt in order of location my pantry.

But of course, the cashier forgets to turn on the conveyor belt. The person in front of me is taking up the whole thing. So I'm stuck waiting as she digs out her glasses so she can squint at the numbers on the customer's 53 coupons and peck them onto the number pad one by one. Then proceeds to scan so slowly that it seems she's reading the nutritional facts on every cup of yogurt.

I finally get my loot stacked onto the belt, in perfect order of course. And now the person in front of me starts digging in her wallet. "I know I saw a nickel in here yesterday. Where did it go?" Apparently I am the only person in Indiana who knows what a debit card is. Because if it's not someone trying to count out $54.73 in dimes and pennies, it's someone wanting to write a check. And the check machine keeps spitting it out, which of course means that the cashier has to call for back-up.

And you know, they never dig their wallet out until the cashier gives them a total. Has anyone else noticed that? Do they realize how well grocery scanning time can be utilized? You can have your method of payment ready and also pile your bags back into the cart as fast and the cashier fills them. It's a simple concept, really.

And if the person wants to pay with a fifty dollar bill? My cashier will never have correct change in the drawer. Once again, back-up is called.

After payment is made (I've been in line 22 minutes now), I get to wait in silent fury patiently while the person perfectly aligns the entire contents of their wallet before moving out of the way. Walking and folding a receipt at the same time is too difficult, you know.

Miraculously, now it's my turn. But wait! The fun isn't over. Now I get to watch as the bagger throws canned green beans on top of my bread and a can of Raid in with my fresh fruit. Exactly thirteen of my items won't scan and have to be entered in manually. (Yes, she needs the glasses again.) She gets to the beer I'm buying for my husband and hesitates for a minute and then asks for ID. The only time I have ever gotten carded and it's when I've already been in line for an ungodly amount of time.

And my ID is in the car.

So yes, I get to go out and get it while my stuff is shoved aside and she helps the next person in line. I come back inside with it and wait another ten minutes for another Coin Counter and Wallet Organizer. Finally, it's my turn again, my bags are tossed into my cart and my order is paid for in one fell swoop of my debit card.

Total time checking out: 47 minutes.

Sometimes, I get really lucky and get behind some wise ass at 11 o'clock at night who tries to write a fake check. The teenage cashier tries no less than twenty times to shove it through the check reader before calling a manager over, who tries twenty more times before telling the guy sorry and he leaves his bags and walks off. I have a total of three items and could have paid by now. However, it's still not over! No, now something won't scan. Again.

"Do you know how much this was?"
"No."
"You don't have any idea?"
"No. ... Do you want me to guess?"
"Uh.. sure."

So that night I'm kicking myself for most likely paying way too much for a magnetic dry erase board. Why I didn't say 99 cents, I will never figure out.

I will say that I am extremely glad that my kids aren't old enough to beg for cake and pie or run around knocking stuff off the shelves. When that happens is when I start carrying a cattle prod. Or, you know, become a millionaire because I'll have good stories for my eBay auctions.