So. We are five days into being a family of five. Five! Five days seems ridiculously small when you're talking about something that will be around for the rest of your life, but also incredibly long when you remember being in a moment of feeling that the pain would never end and OMG THIS BABY IS NEVER COMING OUT. So yeah, wow, it's already been five days since I experienced that and conquered it. Tomorrow is Saturday, and then it's Sunday, and then Monday morning will dawn, Shelby will go back to work and I'll be thrust into dealing with three children by myself. Which is, in a word, terrifying.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Lots of people have been asking how the baby is, and how the boys are doing and if they are in love with their sister. The answers are wonderful, pretty good considering, and most of the time.

Avonlea is fabulous and beautiful and perfect. She's a great nurser, is letting us get a fair amount of sleep and seems to be in perfect working order as far as five-day-old babies go. She's a pretty chilled out baby, which I'm scared to get excited about since Beckett was such a hellbeast, but I'm hoping our luck continues in that area. Her umbilical stump fell off today and I totally cried because she's changing so much already and um, wasn't it just a few days ago that she was still INSIDE ME? Sheesh.

The boys are really doing fantastic, considering their world has just been dramatically interrupted by this tiny pink yelling creature. Sawyer doesn't seem to be phased much at all. He goes about his day as he normally would, occasionally walking over to ask if he can hold "his baby." He likes to tell me about the things he's going to do with her when she's bigger, his favorites being play tag and drive with his cars. Beckett has been acting out a small bit, but doesn't seem to be jealous. I've been making it a point to give him lots of cuddles and remind him that he's still my baby too. He's incredibly sweet and loves to kiss her head, and when she yells he asks, "What did she say?" Too stinkin' cute.

And Shelby is, of course, amazing. He is the perfect husband and perfect daddy and there are several moments throughout each day that I look at him and am just overcome with emotion at how I got so lucky. That sounds ridiculously cheesy, but guys, this man is seriously the kind you just don't find very often. He makes me dinner, gets me Dunkin' Donuts whenever I want and watches the baby in the evenings so I can get a few hours of sleep. Avonlea has him wrapped about a dozen times tightly around her finger and it is absolutely adorable to watch.

And then there's me. Ha. I'm doing.. okay. Mostly okay. But sometimes not okay at all. Physically, I'm healing rapidly. Thanks to a fabulous waterbirth I have no tears to worry about, which is awesome. I'm not too fatigued and the afterpains are finally gone (HATE those suckers). My belly is shrinking and I'm counting down the weeks until I can start exercising and get my body back. Oh, how I can't wait to have my body back. I feel so unattractive right now. I know that will come with time though.

Mentally? Emotionally? Well, that's a different story. The first couple days were great. I felt on top of the world, completely overjoyed with my baby girl and had a constant smile on my face. I was inviting visitors to come see us the day after she was born. My midwife visited on Tuesday and warned that some moms experience a flood of emotions on the third day and I admit it - I fully expected to skip that whole bit.

And then the third day came. With it came the tears. Oh my goodness, the tears. Out of absolutely nowhere and for absolutely no reason. I'd be standing at the counter eating a bite of chicken and just start bawling. I began to feel panicked, anxious, overwhelmed and sad. The What Ifs started flowing in. What if I can't handle this at all when Shelby goes back to work? What if she's a high-needs baby like Beckett was? What if I just lose it in the middle of the day and I have no one to call, no one to rescue me?

There is also extreme sorrow over not having my family here, my mom in particular. When Sawyer was born, she had a flexible job and we could go visit her at work every single day. She lived two blocks away and could swoop in any time I needed her, for any reason. Then came Beckett, and although she was working a different job, she was still available almost all the time and if it weren't for that, I'd have gone insane. So to not have her here at ALL? With a brand new baby? It is killing me. I miss her so much. Nothing could have prepared me for how crippling it is to need someone near you and they just can't be there in person. Phone is wonderful - she has already saved me more than once just with calming words. But it's not the same.

Then there is the worry that the mental and emotional havoc I dealt with just a couple months before I got pregnant will return, in the form of horrible post-partum depression. I am scared. I still have my medication and I could easily start taking it again, but the thought of going back down that road of dependency is a double-edged sword. I have a gorgeous, healthy new daughter and a wonderfully supportive family. I should be bursting with happiness and it angers me that I let irrational worries cloud that positivity.

For now, I'm trying to just take it a day at time. Enjoy the moment and not worry about what will come tomorrow, because when it comes, I'll handle it - do I really have any other option?

Last night was a rough one but today has been good. I have to keep my focus on the good. And right this moment there is a daddy cooing at a tiny little baby as she kicks her feet and gazes at him with her big blue eyes - sounds like something pretty good I don't want to miss. Goodnight for now.

Well, he left with my mom and sister today a little before noon and they are officially in Wisconsin, about 2 hours from home. I've been texting with my sister and she says he's doing great, no accidents in the car (this is his first long car trip since being potty trained). He called me earlier and said he was having fun in Grandma's car. :) They're going to get on the webcam when they get there so I can see him and tell him goodnight. I'm so glad he's doing well so far and I haven't cried yet, so that's good, haha.

Beckett has asked about him a couple times but seems to be enjoying having Daddy and me to himself. The house is SO quiet though, it's weird. Usually we hear two screeching and bickering and bellowing boys from sunrise til bedtime. I forgot how easy it is with just one.

I'm hoping for an easy bedtime for him tonight with no crying to come home, because that would break my heart. I'm betting he'll do fine though and this whole trip will be much harder for me than it is for him. That's how it always is, right?

My baby boy's first time away from home. SOB. How is he growing up so fast?

Another week gone by with no blog posts! What is wrong with me? I haven't really been keeping up with Bloglines either and have dozens of unread blogs to pick through. But you know, it's actually kind of nice to not be chained to the internet so much lately. I've been sewing a lot, crafting a lot, learning to knit, and most of all enjoying my boys before they are no longer just "the boys." The Boys plus a girl. Eep!

Anyway, just wanted to make sure everyone knows I'm still alive.

Two of my three adorable men:


The third one getting in some big brother practice with my friend's adorable baby girl:


And some of Sawyer's artistic handiwork. The person on the left with the pink hair is me. Second from the right is Darth Vader, according to him. And above us are the sun, moon and rain clouds all at once. Genius.

I just have to brag on Sawyer real quick.

After a long, long, loooooooong road of resistance and messes and tears and triumphs, he is FULLY POTTY TRAINED.

I can hardly believe it myself - this has definitely been the biggest parenting challenge to date. He was not an easy kid to train. All of you who just slap some underwear on your 18-month-old and have them mastering the toilet in a weekend can kiss my pregnant white butt. Because I'm here to tell ya, it's not always like that. Oh man, is it not.

We started the process back when he was two and a half, so about a year ago. Yes, a YEAR. We went through lots of resistance in which case we would stop for a few weeks and then start again. He'd go back and forth between no accidents and pooping on his floor and painting the walls with it when he was supposed to be sleeping. NOT. FUN.

Finally, one day something clicked and he stopped having accidents and being obsessed with his own droppings. He's been mostly accident-free at home for a few months now. Which left us to work on outings and bedtime. He was highly resistant to using any toilet but the one in our house so out in public was a challenge. But a few days ago, he did a 180 and started agreeing to go pee while we were out and about. He's successfully gone on four or five outings now with no accidents so I'm calling that mastered!

As for nights - he has always been a heavy night-wetter. Would wake up soaked most of the time. We've been cutting back his liquids in the evening though and he was waking up dryer. Couple that with him thinking he was being slick by taking a crap in his diaper as soon as we put him to bed just so he could come back downstairs, and I was DONE with diapers. Last night was the final straw and I put him in some underwear and told him no more diapers, ever. I expected to be woken in the middle of the night to clean soaked sheets, but surprisingly, he went the whole night dry!! I was so proud.

So tonight is his second night in underwear. I made him some special fleece ones so in case he does wet the bed, it'll be contained a little better. He's already come down twice to potty though and peed both times, so I'm thinking he's probably good for the night.

If you're thinking of asking me for tips - don't! I don't know any. As if that isn't obvious by the year it took to train my kid, haha. But seriously, I feel like I'm still clueless, and we get to start this whole process again with Beckett soon. But hey - at least now I won't have three in diapers!

Sawyer giving Avie a poke. Yes, my belly is lopsided - all three of my kids favored the right side and have stretched it out!

Happy Easter from Sawyer and Beckett from Alicia Melban on Vimeo.

We took the boys to the zoo this morning with some friends and their two boys. They all were surprisingly well-behaved, no injuries occurred and no children were misplaced. I call that a successful outing.

Shark touch tank:




Checking out the meerkats:




Hitchin' a ride:


S and B with my friend's little boy Lucas:


And her other little boy Logan:

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

This will be a short list of confessions this week, because I have lots of work to do still tonight for Beckett's birthday tomorrow. I mean, I don't. ;)

Upon getting home from work today, my husband did not immediately need a beer because Sawyer did not put on my bra, declare that he was a girl, and no longer had a penis. I also did not laugh hysterically as this unfolded while at the same time saying, "I'm so sorry, dear!"

Tomorrow is not Beckett's birthday and I do not still need to sew his superhero cape that will be his present. I will not be up late tonight finishing it! I also do not still need to go to the store for supplies for his cupcakes.

And again, Beckett is not turning two years old tomorrow. He was just born and is still my tiny little squishy. *sniff*

Time for Not Me! Monday! Head over to MckMama's blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

This week, I did not giggle uncontrollably like a 14-year-old when I got "flatio" as my word verification on someone's blog. I also did not deem it worthy of a screen capture so I could share it with you all.



When giving Sawyer a haircut, I did not use the wrong guard on the clippers (again) and leave the poor boy looking like a chemo patient. Again.



I also don't force my oldest son to go around with a buzz cut while his little brother gets to sport long lovely locks. It's not because Sawyer's hair is awful and coarse and looks bad long, while Beckett's is soft and fine and straight as a pin. It's even cute after getting soaked in the rain.



My children always pose like angels for photo ops. They never ignore me, try to run away, or have to be held upside down by Daddy while I snap away madly.



I didn't cringe as my two tornadoes whizzed around the seemingly delicate Lego sculptures at the Children's Museum. My kid would never be the one to grab hold of the dragon's lower jaw and cause the whole thing to come crashing down.



I do not have only nine bags left out of the 36-bag case of Wild Berry Skittles that DH got me for Valentine's Day. And it definitely wasn't me who ate them all. Definitely the boys. And the cats. But not me.



And in that same vein, I would never stop at Dunkin' Donuts for a late night snack after a filling dinner at Weber Grill. Because my pregnancy diet is the perfect balance of the five food groups, with absolutely nothing unhealthy ever. Mmmmhmm.

So there is a note circulating on Facebook for you to interview your toddler about yourself. It took Sawyer a minute to get the hang of it, but once he did, it was pretty funny.

1. What is something mommy always says to you?
Uhhhhh... this!

2. What makes mommy happy?
Uhhhhh.. I don't know! This!

3. What makes mommy sad?
Because you like candy. You're not having any babies. Grandma is having a baby. (Um, okay!)

4. How does your mommy make you laugh?
Like this... ahahahahahhahaa!

5. What was your mommy like as a child?
You growed bigger.

6. How old is your mommy?
I'm not your mommy, you're Beckett's mommy!

7. How tall is your mommy?
I don't know! This big, taller!

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
Um, nothing. Just working around and give me a kiss and going potty and laying down and resting on the couch and going to bed. That's a good thing. (So apparently he notices that I like to sleep. Ha.)

9. What does your mommy do when you're not around?
Well, it's in my backpack and my Batman costume.

10. If your mommy becomes famous, what will it be for?
Nothing. Will you just do this for me, mommy?

11. What is your mommy really good at?
Playing with your sewing machine. You sew.

12. What is your mommy not very good at?
I don't know. Okaygottagobye!

13. What does your mommy do for a job?
Uh, nothing. (Thanks, kid!)

14.What is your mommy's favorite food?
Dinner.

15.What makes you proud of your mommy?
Um, just the girl baby! (Awwwww.)

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Mighty B!

17. What do you and your mommy do together?
We fly in the air like butterflies! Is that a good idea?

18. How are you and your mommy the same?
Yeah yeah yeah yeah like that!

19. How are you and your mommy different?
Because we are friends.

20. How do you know your mommy loves you?
Because I'm just gonna eat you up!

21. What does your mommy like most about your dad?
The girl baby.

22. Where is your mommy's favorite place to go?
To the store.

Sawyer broke my heart a couple days ago.

He'd been loafing around, lethargic and grumpy, and spent most of the afternoon on the couch. He'd been telling me his "head and body were bleeding," his way of saying they hurt.

Then, out of nowhere he said, "Mommy, can't I just feel fine?"

My heart shattered into a million little pieces for my poor boy who didn't understand why he felt bad. Really, isn't that just the saddest? He then told me he needed to go to the doctor and I assured him that Mommy would take good care of him and we didn't need the doctor yet. He seemed satisfied with that, which made me feel a little better.

I thought for sure he would start puking shortly after that, but he never did. Has just been running a fever and had no energy or appetite. He's the sweetest when he's sick though, always asking for hugs and drinks of water. We went to Sonic for dinner tonight and he only took one bite of his corn dog and ate maybe two tater tots. Poor guy.

He perked up today when we showed him the baby's room:



He's excited enough about it that he's FINALLY calling her by her name, and not "GoGo," which is the name he had given her since I first found out I was pregnant.

Speaking of the name - I think I may be spilling the beans soon, so keep your eyes peeled. ;)

Tonight he danced around the living room, playing air guitar on a drumstick and sang "I wish-a-fad-a MESSY'S GIRL!!"

Translation: "I wish that I had Jessie's girl."

Yes, my 3-year-old sings Rick Springfield. Quite well.

Yesterday, Sawyer helped me write out a birthday card for DH. I tried to instruct him in writing "Happy Birthday" but we ended up with "Happe" and then the B-I in birthday, plus a bunch of random letters. It still charmed the pants off DH though, of course.



Also. He gets the letters F and S confused, because they sound so similar. And he absolutely insists that his name is spelled F-A-W-Y-E-R. Ah well, what can ya do?



DH and I had a deliciously unhealthy birthday dinner at Outback, where I guiltlessly snarfed down a bloomin' onion, Caesar salad, bloomin' burger (okay, so I only ate half of that) and some fries. NOM NOM NOM.

Today I'm participating in MckMama's Not Me! Monday for the first time. Never heard of it? Then hop on over to her blog and read the rules so that you, too, can air your dirty laundry and not feel an ounce of guilt about it. Or at least, be able to find someone who totally did not do something just a little more scandalous than you.

So, on to my.. erm.. confessions.

Yesterday morning, I totally did not fall down the stairs while holding Beckett. We were not only about halfway down and thus fell a full 8-9 steps. As clumsy as I am, I did manage to keep him on top of me and break his fall, resulting in several lovely battle wounds for myself. And yes, I did check on the baby with the doppler and he/she is fine. No, I definitely do not have my big fat cushiony butt to thank for that. Do I?

I did not get a hankering for nachos at almost one this morning while watching Food Network. And I most certainly did not use being pregnant as an excuse to melt some shredded cheese over tortilla chips and indulge, at 1am. They were not tasty at all.

I have not been a lazy oaf for the past several weeks, spending most of my time on the couch. My laundry is not piling up and my kids definitely do not watch too much Dora and Blues Clues. I also have not trained Sawyer to do things like bring me clean diapers and throw the dirty ones away. Nope, definitely not already behaving like this in the first trimester of pregnancy.

And speaking of the first trimester, I do not already have to keep my pants unbuttoned at only 13 weeks pregnant. My parents, however, did get me two BellaBands for Christmas which have been a lifesaver for my chronically unbuttoned jeans.

My husband is not turning 27 today, and I am not turning 24 in a couple weeks. We are not getting older. It has not been ten years since he graduated high school and we certainly do not sometimes act like we still ARE in high school. Nope, not us.

And lastly, I am not still in my pajamas at almost noon and my kids are not eating waffles and bananas for lunch. Of course I have already been to the store for baking supplies to make DH's birthday cupcakes, and they are already in the oven.

Or.. not.

My children both have a profound love for crayons. For Beckett, it's tasting them. He just can't resist the rainbow of wax and it's not uncommon for me to open a diaper and find hot pink nuggets staring back at me. It's become a game for him now, and he gnaws on them just to get a rise out of me. He'll sneak one from Sawyer's stash and wait until I notice him inching it towards his mouth, and then dart off behind the recliner giggling his head off. He's apparently shared this hobby with the cats too, because a couple weeks ago I witnessed Zachary pooping a yellow crayon turd into the little box. Lovely, right?

Sawyer, on the other hand does not eat them, thankfully. He draws. All. Day. Long. Every page of every coloring book he owns is covered in a prism of colors, and he's even confiscated several of DH's notepads for use as his own personal sketch books. I'm also happy to say that he's inherited my artistic talent as opposed to his father's, which is a very fortunate thing. I think at this point the kid would win hands down in a draw-off with Daddy.

For some reason, lately he has started *ahem* "decorating" my furniture with his drawings. I don't know why, because he KNOWS he's not supposed to. But nonetheless, my kitchen table is now adorned with two smiling stick figures standing on some tall grass under a very bright sun.

And on Tuesday, what I thought was an innocent gazing out the living room window was actually him depicting an entire scene along the whole length of the window sills. It's wasn't until I heard him announce, "Mommy, I'm drawing your shirt!" that I found the artwork that he was oh-so-proud of. And really, how can you be mad about this? It's better than the boring white, yes?



From left to right we have some balloons, a dinosaur, a smiling sun and Sawyer and Mommy dancing around. Down at the other side were more suns, people, and random letters.



I tried to get him to pose with his masterpiece, but only Beckett was willing to get in the shot.

A couple recent conversations with my ever so logical three-year-old:

Him: Mommy, what does a monkey say?
Me: *monkey sounds*
Him: What does a cow say?
Me: Moooo.
Me: Hey, what does Beckett say?
Him: *thinks for a minute* Um, Beckett is not an animal.


Him: Mommy, where did you come from?
Me: I came from Grandma.
Him: And where did I come from?
Me: You came from me.
Him: No, I came from the store.

HA. If only it had been as easy as scanning his butt across the U-Scan and popping in a credit card!

We had "Breakfast with Santa" today, complete with pancakes and sausage. I had hopes of getting at least one picture with both boys in it, but as expected, Sawyer was in full-on "I'll cover my face and pretend no one can see me" mode and completely refused to sit anywhere near Santa. Beckett surprised me and didn't want to leave Santa's side.

(crappy quality, scanned)


This is as close as Sawyer got.

Is this not the cutest thing you have ever seen?? They do it all the time. <3





They crack me up.

Wow. It's been over a year since I cracked open the virtual pages of this thing. I just spent awhile reading over my tirades as a new mom of two and had a good chuckle. And then became terrified when I realized I'm doing that all over again, this time with three. Here's to hoping that the little bebe I'm cooking this time decides to take after her oldest brother and be the most mellow kid on the planet. Yes, that would be nice.

Last night, I was looking at pictures of our kittens from when we first got them, and said aloud to DH, "I don't remember them being that small!" That, of course, led me to pictures of the boys in their infancy and those days are all but a distant memory. Sawyer is now a very articulate and sensitive 3-and-a-half-year-old, and not nearly the terror he was at age two. Beckett will turn two soon, yet is still very much my little baby. Luckily, he's past the constant night-waking and crying all day, THANK YOU GODS. How is it that I can barely remember what it was like back then?

I decided today that I would start writing here again, because I NEED to be able to remember these times. I don't want to be looking at pictures a year from now and not know what my kids were like in them, how their laughs sounded, what antics they devised to drive me crazy yet make me giggle hysterically.

I need to remember what it was like to show Sawyer the first ultrasound picture of his new sibling at nine weeks gestation, and see his eyes light up with wonder when I told him it was a baby. "Oh, that is SO cool, Mommy!" Seriously priceless. He then declared to his father and me, "Mommy, you are having a girl baby. Daddy, you are having a Spiderman baby. And I want a boy baby." I definitely cannot allow myself to forget moments like that.

I need to be able to envision in my mind how warm and wonderful it feels when Beckett crawls onto the couch with me and snuggles up right against my face to look in my eyes. He doesn't say anything, just grins and giggles and plays with my hair. Such a mama's boy he is, and I love it.

Sawyer is becoming more loving and affectionate as well, constantly asking, "Mommy, do you love me?" and demanding hugs and kisses throughout the day. I am so lucky to have these moments with my children and it would really be a shame to just let them slip away into the past, unrecorded.

I am one of those slacker moms who is the victim of the digital age, with very VERY few printed pictures of my children. The ones hanging on the walls are all I have. I take so many and am so far behind now that it would take hours upon hours and cost a fortune to have them all printed. I haven't made tangible baby books either, which I feel awful about. It goes hand in hand with not writing hand-written letters to relatives or compiling photo albums of our family for my children.

I have to start somewhere, so getting our day to day life down in virtual format is as good a place as any. Some day I WILL have the time and money to get those pictures printed, and my kids will have books full of memories to look back upon. But for now, I'm happy just writing about our adventures here for safe keeping.

So, hello again!