That's what this is. My children conspire against me. Seriously. When there's just one of them, it's pretty easy to handle. But when you throw a second one into the mix, it's like one says to the other, "Hey, it'd be pretty sweet to see Mom's head balloon up and pop off her shoulders. Lets act like Boston Terriers on crack, maybe that'll do it."

We traveled to downtown Indy today to have lunch with DH and some of his co-workers. I knew today was cursed before we even left, because Bex screamed like a banshee if I detached him from my hip, which made it real fun to try to get ready to leave.

We made it downtown eventually and visited a couple people in the office before heading to the mall for lunch. The Subway employees must have decided today was Move As Slowly As You Possibly Can Day. Honestly, I don't care if you meticulously place my two perfectly-sized tomatoes in a specific location atop the quarter-folded meat or paint a Van Gogh with the mayonnaise. Just make my damn sandwich!!

Everyone else was already eating their food by the time Sam's sandwich was made, and I still had to get Japanese for DH and I. Luckily Manchu Wok produces much more efficient workers than Subway, or I might have imploded. Lunch was uneventful after that. If you consider retrieving sippy cups and cucumber slices from under a stranger's chair and saving your toddler from a flight down the escalator uneventful.

Back to the office again after that to visit my mom, who works for the same company as DH. Got complimented on my hair by several of DH's co-workers. The ego inflation was nice, I will admit. Kids were getting restless and screamy so it was time to make our exit. They both fell asleep on the way home, and I of course had the delusion that I would be able to transfer them both to their beds and have some 'me' time.

WRONG!

Bex woke up as soon as I unlatched his harness. I put him in his rocker to contend with Sam, who I assumed would fall right back asleep when I put him in his bed. Not so. Ten minutes later I could hear his footsteps thundering above me. I went up to his room to scold him back into bed and knew as soon as I opened the door that he needed a diaper change. You see, my child can apparently poop on command. It doesn't matter how recent his last poop was or if I had just changed his diaper five seconds before. He poops because he knows it stalls nap time.

I changed his diaper and put him back in bed, only to discover that he had gotten into his closet where I had recently put his dresser, and dumped out all the drawers. Again. The child-proof doorknob covers that are peddled in the baby aisle at Target? Yeah, SO not child-proof, because my two-year-old most certainly can barge right through them. And he most certainly takes joy in emptying his dresser, which absolutely infuriates me. I also found that he had ripped open a beanie baby and was chewing on the pellets, but the damn thing had magically disappeared. Stowed away for the next time he needs to wreak havoc on me, no doubt.

He has a convertible crib that has been converted to a toddler bed, which means I can shove the open side up against a wall and he can't escape. I reserve this for those particularly hellish days when he decides to be anti-nap, and today most definitely qualified. So up against the wall he went.

You see, my child is not one of those that can have "quiet time" if he doesn't want to sleep. No, if he's not napping, he resorts to tipping over the changing table, shredding the pages of books (even board books, which he destroys with his teeth) and stripping his bed of the sheet and mattress pad. His room has been completely emptied for this reason, except for the dresser in the closet, which is obviously not safe any more either. What do they call those kids? Oh yes. "Spirited."

In between all this, I had been alternating between nursing Bex and putting him back in the rocker, pleading with him to go to sleep. But of course, this was a conspiracy after all, so he could do no such thing. He did a fantastic job of holding up his end of the bargain with his brother and ended up in his crib so I could have a chance to calm down and deflate my head.

I went and got him about ten minutes later, a sobbing, hiccuping mess. I am anti-CIO, but also anti-put my child on the porch with a "Free to any home" sign, so today he got to cry a bit in order to save him from the latter. I felt like Most Horrible Mother on the Face of the Universe and All of Creation after that, of course. As soon as I picked him up he snuggled into my shoulder and fell asleep. Poor chunk. Back into the crib he went, and ahhh.. finally some relaxation?

Or not. Sam was still belting out his opinion of naps at the top of his lungs. (He'll imitate me and say, "Stop! Take a nap! Lay down!" in the most stern toddler voice he can muster. It's actually pretty funny, on a day in which your head is a normal size and not on the verge of exploding.) Knowing I would become headless if he were to wake up Bex, I let him come downstairs and "WATCH-DORA-BASEBALL-GAME," as he says it. Several, several times, in a booming voice, just to be sure I heard him. Not annoying in the least bit, oh no. He is now crushing Cheerios into the carpet. But at least he's quiet.

And now I'm sitting here, banging out this post to vent my frustrations. Which has worked pretty well, actually. I think my head is almost back to its normal size. And to think, I thought all I had to blog about today was my Garnier Fructis shampoo for Works For Me Wednesday. My children, they do not disappoint!

Really though, I love my kids to pieces and I love that they give me the opportunity to tell such amusing stories about them. There is definitely never a dull moment in this house. Sometimes it would be nice if I had a pause button, though. Or, you know, maybe a padded room with a lock on the door, filled with chocolate chip cookies and Dora on a big screen. Either would work.