Hello, separation anxiety. How pleasant to see you again. Didn't we already get plenty acquainted the last time you were here though? Please try not to overstay your welcome, thanks.

Trying to fix my hair was interesting this morning, with Mr. Separation Anxiety here as a guest. Beckett crawled after me screaming his loud little head off until I strapped him to my back in the mei tai, which, in case you were wondering, is not the most ideal thing to have on your back when you're wielding a hair dryer. So that didn't last long.

And see, I'm hair impaired. I'm one of those people who can never get their hair to look as good as the stylist does. I hold out on washing for as long as I can, so as to preserve the state of hair euphoria I get from the salon. And now that I have this rockin' purple hair, I'm not supposed to wash it as much. I washed it for the first time on Tuesday, and was less than impressed with how it looked after I styled it, and then bitched to a friend about it. To which she responded, in the most well-meaning way, that maybe I needed something to make it more shiny (and of course I got pissy, because I'm a woman and that is what We Do, and was then obsessed with finding a way to fix it).

I got lots of helpful advice, like more product actually makes it more dull and only washing in cold water. Which would be a hell of a lot easier if we had a detachable shower head. But, we don't, so instead I washed it in the shower and then applied the conditioner and got out to rinse it in the tub with a big cup. Because me and cold showers? We do not mix.

I dumped cup after cup of cold water on my head, being sure to come at it from every angle to get a good rinse. Or so I thought. Then I went downstairs to start the drying process, which now takes about three times as long since I have also learned that heat is bad and evil and makes your hair dull. And I have hair thicker than a friggin' wooly mammoth's. After 20 minutes of drying I was starting to realize that the "wetness" wasn't really going away, even though it was mostly dry. Yeah, not only do I suck at styling, but I apparently also suck at what should be the easiest part: rinsing. I didn't get all the damn conditioner rinsed out and my hair was a greasy mess. Lovely.

We were supposed to meet a friend for lunch at 11am and it was 10:17, and I still had to get the boys ready. So I threw on a headband and attempted to salvage it enough to go out in public. And that was a big negative. It was slicked down and stuck to my head and just gross. So in a matter of about 15 minutes, I said screw the cold water and the cold hair dryer, jumped in the shower to wash it yet again (twice in one day, for shame!), I used my regular shampoo without color protection (bad bad bad!) then flipped my head over and dried it like mad on the hot setting. And you know what? It looks surprisingly decent now. Still not the same, though. And no, not shiny.

And I'm still pissed that I can't use a brush and a hair dryer at the same time, or get the cold rinse down, or use the spray wax and mousse without looking like a grease ball, or work magic with a flat iron and it's just ANNOYING. Seriously, I've been doing my own hair since I was what, 12? And I still don't have the first clue what I'm doing? NOT COOL. My mom never showed me how to apply makeup either, which led to me sitting on YouTube learning how to do smoky eyes for the first time EVER on Monday night. One of the many reasons I'm glad I don't have girls.

Jaclyn has been more than patient with me though, answering all my stupid questions and giving me ideas. So I have to be a good pupil and keep trying, so I can have hot hair when I visit her and Lucas. (Wink wink, Jaclyn!)

So tell me, oh great Internets. What is your hair routine? Got any great secrets? Fool-proof tricks? Please do shair share with the Hair Impaired.