Friday, July 24, 2009
So. We are five days into being a family of five. Five! Five days seems ridiculously small when you're talking about something that will be around for the rest of your life, but also incredibly long when you remember being in a moment of feeling that the pain would never end and OMG THIS BABY IS NEVER COMING OUT. So yeah, wow, it's already been five days since I experienced that and conquered it. Tomorrow is Saturday, and then it's Sunday, and then Monday morning will dawn, Shelby will go back to work and I'll be thrust into dealing with three children by myself. Which is, in a word, terrifying.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Lots of people have been asking how the baby is, and how the boys are doing and if they are in love with their sister. The answers are wonderful, pretty good considering, and most of the time.
Avonlea is fabulous and beautiful and perfect. She's a great nurser, is letting us get a fair amount of sleep and seems to be in perfect working order as far as five-day-old babies go. She's a pretty chilled out baby, which I'm scared to get excited about since Beckett was such a hellbeast, but I'm hoping our luck continues in that area. Her umbilical stump fell off today and I totally cried because she's changing so much already and um, wasn't it just a few days ago that she was still INSIDE ME? Sheesh.
The boys are really doing fantastic, considering their world has just been dramatically interrupted by this tiny pink yelling creature. Sawyer doesn't seem to be phased much at all. He goes about his day as he normally would, occasionally walking over to ask if he can hold "his baby." He likes to tell me about the things he's going to do with her when she's bigger, his favorites being play tag and drive with his cars. Beckett has been acting out a small bit, but doesn't seem to be jealous. I've been making it a point to give him lots of cuddles and remind him that he's still my baby too. He's incredibly sweet and loves to kiss her head, and when she yells he asks, "What did she say?" Too stinkin' cute.
And Shelby is, of course, amazing. He is the perfect husband and perfect daddy and there are several moments throughout each day that I look at him and am just overcome with emotion at how I got so lucky. That sounds ridiculously cheesy, but guys, this man is seriously the kind you just don't find very often. He makes me dinner, gets me Dunkin' Donuts whenever I want and watches the baby in the evenings so I can get a few hours of sleep. Avonlea has him wrapped about a dozen times tightly around her finger and it is absolutely adorable to watch.
And then there's me. Ha. I'm doing.. okay. Mostly okay. But sometimes not okay at all. Physically, I'm healing rapidly. Thanks to a fabulous waterbirth I have no tears to worry about, which is awesome. I'm not too fatigued and the afterpains are finally gone (HATE those suckers). My belly is shrinking and I'm counting down the weeks until I can start exercising and get my body back. Oh, how I can't wait to have my body back. I feel so unattractive right now. I know that will come with time though.
Mentally? Emotionally? Well, that's a different story. The first couple days were great. I felt on top of the world, completely overjoyed with my baby girl and had a constant smile on my face. I was inviting visitors to come see us the day after she was born. My midwife visited on Tuesday and warned that some moms experience a flood of emotions on the third day and I admit it - I fully expected to skip that whole bit.
And then the third day came. With it came the tears. Oh my goodness, the tears. Out of absolutely nowhere and for absolutely no reason. I'd be standing at the counter eating a bite of chicken and just start bawling. I began to feel panicked, anxious, overwhelmed and sad. The What Ifs started flowing in. What if I can't handle this at all when Shelby goes back to work? What if she's a high-needs baby like Beckett was? What if I just lose it in the middle of the day and I have no one to call, no one to rescue me?
There is also extreme sorrow over not having my family here, my mom in particular. When Sawyer was born, she had a flexible job and we could go visit her at work every single day. She lived two blocks away and could swoop in any time I needed her, for any reason. Then came Beckett, and although she was working a different job, she was still available almost all the time and if it weren't for that, I'd have gone insane. So to not have her here at ALL? With a brand new baby? It is killing me. I miss her so much. Nothing could have prepared me for how crippling it is to need someone near you and they just can't be there in person. Phone is wonderful - she has already saved me more than once just with calming words. But it's not the same.
Then there is the worry that the mental and emotional havoc I dealt with just a couple months before I got pregnant will return, in the form of horrible post-partum depression. I am scared. I still have my medication and I could easily start taking it again, but the thought of going back down that road of dependency is a double-edged sword. I have a gorgeous, healthy new daughter and a wonderfully supportive family. I should be bursting with happiness and it angers me that I let irrational worries cloud that positivity.
For now, I'm trying to just take it a day at time. Enjoy the moment and not worry about what will come tomorrow, because when it comes, I'll handle it - do I really have any other option?
Last night was a rough one but today has been good. I have to keep my focus on the good. And right this moment there is a daddy cooing at a tiny little baby as she kicks her feet and gazes at him with her big blue eyes - sounds like something pretty good I don't want to miss. Goodnight for now.
Sat Jul 25, 12:16:00 PM EDT
Sat Jul 25, 12:27:00 PM EDT
Mon Jul 27, 04:05:00 AM EDT
Wed Jul 29, 11:29:00 AM EDT